Migration

I was cleaning the kitchen, when I noticed there were ducks in our swimming pool.  Ducks!  In our pool! And man, oh man, was this a gorgeous pair of Mallards.  We have the suspicion that these are the SAME ducks that come specifically to our house every year during their migration period. 

Do we each go through our own migration periods?  Whether physically, mentally, or spiritually?  I think so.  In fact, I KNOW that I've gone through a migration spiritually within the past few years, and I like to believe that I'll go through that migration often.  There are people who move away for school, only to move back to their hometown after a few years and settle there.  Which brings me to another thought: Is migration temporary?  Are we all going to return to our home roots?  Do I want to settle here in the AZ?  I wouldn't mind it.  Arizona is my home and always will be 'home' to me.  However, I strongly believe that people make a home for themselves wherever they go.

I guess I should give an explanation to this rambling.  I've been restless.  And stuck in a routine.   

AND I HATE IT.  

I've never been one to sit still for too long; always moving on to the next job, project, or location.  I couldn't wait to move out when I graduated high school.  After 6months though I was ready to move back and move on.  After another year of bouncing between jobs, I found THE job.  A job that I love to do, and I can't believe I've been there for almost a year now!

But, it's a routine.  I'm in a slump.  I'm in a rut.  I've buried myself in a hole of routine, and dare I say, boredom.  I don't want to be bored.  I don't want to be unhappy.  And right now, I am.  I want to be free!! I want to be like the ducks, popping back in to routine once a year during migration.  I want to roam and travel and find myself in the middle of nowhere.  

Unfortunately, there is no conclusion to this post.  At least, not right now.  I'm still trying to figure out the next move, which is sometimes the hardest part.  Any suggestions?

Am I Worthy?

As most of you know, the Gilbert Temple is now open! And will be dedicated next week!! Super exciting, and I loved being able to go through it during the open house. 

 Absolute STUNNER of a building, am I right?  

I was sitting at church a couple weeks ago, and for some reason, started to think about the temple recommend questions one gets asked when they're of age and maturity to go through the temple. (Whether for baptisms or our own endowments).  You're asked questions like whether you believe in Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father, if you have a testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet and if you have a testimony of the Book of Mormon, etc.  But there's one question that I kept coming back to.  Where you're asked if YOU think you're worthy to enter into the House of the Lord, to partake of those sacred covenants, and participate in the wonderful ordinances that take place there.

AM I WORTHY?

For some unknown reason, this question has been on my mind a lot!  Dictionary.com states the adjective 'worthy' as "Having adequate or great merit, character, or value."  Am I worthy?  The noun 'worth', again from dictionary.com, is "Excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem."  The example was "women of worth."  Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of being described as a woman of worth?  Am I worthy of being a friend, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, granddaughter, and neighbor to those around me?  Am I worthy, when the time comes, to be a mother to some of God's precious children?  Am I worthy to help lead the women in my ward?  Am I worthy to stand and teach them some of the principles of the Gospel?  Am I worthy for Christ to have suffered for my sins and afflictions and then die on the cross for me?  Am I worthy to go into the temple; the House of the Lord?

Folks, I may not be worthy of all those things, that's true, but I realized something. 

I am WORTH it.

I am! And so are you!!  We are all worth it in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  We were worth His pain and suffering while he was in the Garden.  What makes that worth any different now than back then?

You are worth all the happiness in the world, and then some!  And not only that, but you deserve all the happiness in the world.  You deserve to know how much Christ and our Heavenly Father loves you.  You are worth all the love they can give you.  And trust me, they can give quite a lot!  I have found so much peace and confidence by remembering that I have a whole team of angels on my side.  And realizing that helps me to remember my infinite worth.  We are all so amazing in different ways!  We all have a cheering section up in the heavens that is PACKED with people rooting for us!  Do you think they believe we're not worthy of their support and love?  
Whenever life gets you down, just remember: you ARE worth it.  You all have INFINITE worth in the eternal eyes of our Lord.  Don't give up!  You might not be worthy at the moment, but you sure are worth it. 

Happy Birthday

No, today is not my day of birth.  At least, not in the physical sense.  Today is my 2year anniversary of moving back home. 

 Two years ago, I was sitting in the back of my mom's mini van, driving on the 87, headed back to the AZ.  Two years ago, I was terrified out of my mind.  I wasn't supposed to be going back home!  I was supposed to still be at school, getting my Paralegal certification.  I was supposed to be living life, maybe finding a cutie to marry, and ready to start my career in law.  

WELL. 

That didn't happen, obviously, and I am so happy my life didn't turn out the way I imagined!!

I'll be honest.  There have been times where life has kind of sucked.  There were many times when I just wasn't happy at all.  I would often wonder WHY.  Why did I come back to Arizona?  Why did I drop my life in Utah to come back to this??  This isn't any easier than it was in Utah!  At least in Utah I could 'be myself'.  Let me tell you something: living a life of sin, being unable to look anyone in the eye because of how guilty you feel (ALL THE TIME), is not 'being yourself'.  It's taken me two years to realize this.  I've learned that I am the most comfortable being myself when I'm around people who lift me up.  And where else can I find those people than in my own home?  I've learned recently that nothing should ever come between you and your family.  Without my family, I wouldn't be here today.  I wouldn't be in Arizona, and I most certainly would not be happier than I've been in years.

So yes, these two years have been FULL of trial, heartache, pain, and tears.  Many, many tears.  But I've been able to experience, first hand, the saving power of Christ's Atonement.  In the past two years, I have learned who I really am.  And who I WANT to be.  I've learned more in the past two years than I have my entire life.  I've learned that through the wonderful act of repentance, that we can get back to Christ.  Yes, it will be difficult.  And yes, it may take a long time.  But how amazing is it that no matter how far you've gone astray, that you CAN COME BACK.  If I've learned anything in the past 20 years of life, it's that you aren't truly living until you're living with the Light of Christ in you.  Two years ago, today, I found out that I wasn't living.  I was merely existing.  So today, I'm celebrating my second birthday.  I am 2 years old, and I can't wait to grow old with my Savior; to learn all that He has in store for me, and to be able to teach His love to those around me.
I encourage all of you to focus on having Christ's light in you.  Strive to be like Him.  Be a light unto others that they may be able to experience true life and true joy.  We can do this, guys.  (:

A confession

Hello.  My name is Sarah Merkley, and I deal with anxiety. 

And if that isn't a way to open a post, I don't know what is! In all honesty, this post has been on my mind, and in my drafts, for a LONG time.  Most of you might say: "No big deal. I get anxious some times, too." But, this isn't your average taking a test or giving a presentation anxiety. The anxiety I deal with is crippling and draining.  

I have two experiences I want to share with you. The first is part of the reason that my anxiety became a present concern. The other is a time when I had an attack in public.

One:
 Two and a half years ago, I moved up to Utah to go to school and work in Salt Lake City. I had just graduated high school and ready to start my life. Shortly after moving there, I was in a near-fatal accident on the freeway. I was driving my friend's car, and it was during rush hour.  I checked my blind spot because I was wanting to pass this gas-tanker semi in front of me. I looked back, and the said semi was no more than 2 feet in front of the car. I walked away with one scratch, on my neck, from the seat belt.  I don't say this to brag about my 'near death' experience. I say this, because I hate being in cars.  I hate driving. And I especially hate driving on the freeways. I highly doubt I'll ever get over this, because being in a car is such a common thing! Because of the accident, I have become quite paranoid whenever I'm driving. I won't budge the car until everyone has a seat belt on; because without my seat belt, I would have died. I've come to that realization, and it's a fear I deal with every day.

Two:
 I was asked to be part of my friend's wedding last fall.  We had a small family dinner the night before, and as part of the bridal party, I was expected to be there.  Which I did! I chatted a bit with the others in the party, had some refreshments, etc.  As we sat down to eat the dinner, I freaked.  And to this date, I don't know what it was that caused me to freak out.  All I know is that my chest got really tight, like there wasn't enough air to breathe.  And my vision started to spin around.  I walked out, sat down in a quiet room with the lights out, TRYING to make myself calm down.  Nothing helped, so I left stating that I was "feeling sick".  Which was partially true.  

What do these two stories have in common?  Besides they both happened to me, not much.  For the longest time, I thought that I was the only one around me that had these problems!  I felt so helpless and alone, and I started to retreat into myself.  I didn't think anyone would be able to help me get over these issues.  It wasn't until I started to drop weight, not just lose it, that I realized something needed to be done.  I was making myself sick because of my stress, depression, and anxiety.  So, I called up my doctor.  He and I talked about my symptoms, and he shared with me that this is actually a pretty normal thing.  I read somewhere that 15 million Americans suffer from social anxiety alone, and 40 million US adults suffer from anxiety. I AM NOT ALONE.  We decided the best action for me to help me move forward, but we also discussed that this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life. 

Guys.  I deal with anxiety.  It's a mental illness.  Coming to terms with this fact was just the beginning.  Yes, I still hate being in cars, and YES I hate social functions.  These are things I have to try to get over, for as long as I live.  But, this weekend, I realized that trying is all that matters.  Trying, and trusting that God knows me better than I know myself.  This is obviously a trial that I have to deal with, for some unknown reason.  But it's only unknown to ME.  He knows that I'm going through this.  He knows that this is hard for me.  But I know that He's there for me.  I know that I can do this.  I can fight this illness, because of Him.