Hello. My name is Sarah Merkley, and I deal with anxiety.
I have two experiences I want to share with you. The first is part of the reason that my anxiety became a present concern. The other is a time when I had an attack in public.
One:
Two and a half years ago, I moved up to Utah to go to school and work in Salt Lake City. I had just graduated high school and ready to start my life. Shortly after moving there, I was in a near-fatal accident on the freeway. I was driving my friend's car, and it was during rush hour. I checked my blind spot because I was wanting to pass this gas-tanker semi in front of me. I looked back, and the said semi was no more than 2 feet in front of the car. I walked away with one scratch, on my neck, from the seat belt. I don't say this to brag about my 'near death' experience. I say this, because I hate being in cars. I hate driving. And I especially hate driving on the freeways. I highly doubt I'll ever get over this, because being in a car is such a common thing! Because of the accident, I have become quite paranoid whenever I'm driving. I won't budge the car until everyone has a seat belt on; because without my seat belt, I would have died. I've come to that realization, and it's a fear I deal with every day.
Two:
I was asked to be part of my friend's wedding last fall. We had a small family dinner the night before, and as part of the bridal party, I was expected to be there. Which I did! I chatted a bit with the others in the party, had some refreshments, etc. As we sat down to eat the dinner, I freaked. And to this date, I don't know what it was that caused me to freak out. All I know is that my chest got really tight, like there wasn't enough air to breathe. And my vision started to spin around. I walked out, sat down in a quiet room with the lights out, TRYING to make myself calm down. Nothing helped, so I left stating that I was "feeling sick". Which was partially true.
What do these two stories have in common? Besides they both happened to me, not much. For the longest time, I thought that I was the only one around me that had these problems! I felt so helpless and alone, and I started to retreat into myself. I didn't think anyone would be able to help me get over these issues. It wasn't until I started to drop weight, not just lose it, that I realized something needed to be done. I was making myself sick because of my stress, depression, and anxiety. So, I called up my doctor. He and I talked about my symptoms, and he shared with me that this is actually a pretty normal thing. I read somewhere that 15 million Americans suffer from social anxiety alone, and 40 million US adults suffer from anxiety. I AM NOT ALONE. We decided the best action for me to help me move forward, but we also discussed that this is something I will deal with for the rest of my life.
Guys. I deal with anxiety. It's a mental illness. Coming to terms with this fact was just the beginning. Yes, I still hate being in cars, and YES I hate social functions. These are things I have to try to get over, for as long as I live. But, this weekend, I realized that trying is all that matters. Trying, and trusting that God knows me better than I know myself. This is obviously a trial that I have to deal with, for some unknown reason. But it's only unknown to ME. He knows that I'm going through this. He knows that this is hard for me. But I know that He's there for me. I know that I can do this. I can fight this illness, because of Him.
